Where were you? Where were you?

God. Big loaded and sometimes intimidating word. I was raised in a catholic household, and went to church every Sunday. I didn't like it, for many reasons. I felt judged, as I identify as bisexual, the Catholic church was not exactly the most gentle loving place, especially because at the time I was questioning my sexuality my state was voting on an anti-gay marriage bill, which my church loved. I felt judged at church, but as far as God was concerned my family had always told me God cares about a persons heart, not who is in their bed. I was raised in a pro-choice, pro-gay rights, catholic house hold. I felt loved and accepted at home, and it was there, rather than church that helped me to see God's love. But I never felt it.

I would go to church and see everyone praying and worshipping and they looked so happy and at peace. I never felt that. I prayed and prayed for God to reveal himself to me. I felt like no one was listening and I felt completly alone. Some of my friends had such a light in them, and I felt like God just didn't want, I was too much of a sinner, I couldn't possibly be good enough for him.

My good friend and I had talked about this a lot and she invited me to her Youth group. I was scared and would make excuses not to go for months. Then one night I just decided to go, it felt right. That night I, for hr first time, felt like God was listening. Then I went to college and found a church there that I loved.I was so happy. But I pretended at first. I thought there was no way these people could love me for me. They all know God so well and never seem to sin. They'll judge me and think I'm gross. I cuss, I drank, I went to parties, and I still had not had a real connection with God.

The more people I met in the church the more loved I felt. I started to reveal myself to these people and I felt loved I hadn't felt since I left home. They took me as I was with all my flaws and failures and really truly loved me. They showed me what Christ loves was like by loving me for me and helping me, talking to me, and listening to me. They gave me the courage to take my problems to God. I was finally able to start a conversation with God and just sit and listen. I was so happy at first. Then I got angry.

I was so mad. I had asked, pleaded begged for God in my life for years. How dare he deny me and make it so easy later, after I had tried so hard earlier. I was angry for a long time. Then I realized God waited to reveal himself to me because he truly Knew me. If he would have revealed himself to me when I was younger it would have been fleeting, a passing trend. He waited until I was mature enough to not only have him and feel him in my heart. But to truly hold him there.

I am still flawed, I still cuss, especially when I'm angry. I have intense struggles with lust, anger, and being judgemental. But I am working through all my problems and I know that God loves me despite them.