"The quiet scares me cuz it screams the truth"

So far this summer has been tough. Not just I have to work forty hours a week and am busy tough, but to the soul hard. I am not someone who cries a lot nor am I often depressed but that has been a large part of my current state. I am away from some people that I truly love to my very core. I am also in a place that feels inescapable since I have no car and I can't really run fast. I hate feeling trapped and like I cannot run away even if it is only from myself or God. There are people everywhere and yet I feel alone.

I'm sure that is part of what God is trying to teach me. That I need to be OK if its just me and Him, and I'm not. I am not at a place yet where I can say I am comfortable sitting alone with God. I can talk to Him all day and read His word, but sitting in His silence trying to feel the holy spirit or Him or anything else...NO. I cannot do it. It's just too scary. What if God doesn't show? I mean He must be busy with starving kids or war or something. What if I feel like God has left me. That silence does not hold comfort for me, but deep fear, anxiety and unknowns.

This is not OK. This shows how much I do not trust God. Trust that He is there, even if I can't feel Him right then. I need to trust Him that what He does is Good and Right always even if not by worldly understanding. I need to trust that He is OK with the fact that there are a few things I am PISSED about; truly, deeply wounded by.

But how do you heal when you feel like the one who wounded you in the first place is the healer?

This is what I am going to try and work on this summer. Being in a still quiet place with God and trusting Him there. I have to talk to God for real and listen to Him for real. Even if it means accepting that there are things my worldly view of right and wrong can never grasp, and knowing that God is good and glorified in that.

I doubt this can take place in one summer, in fact it would be true miracle if it did, but my journey is starting here. Please pray for this Journey and ask God to fill me with peace in this place of fear.

Fear

Tonight we had a discussion on Fear. We were charged with revealing to God what we were really truly deep down inside us afraid of. Not just spiders or the dark,but the REAL stuff. The stuff that holds us back from having a true relationship with God. The stuff that prevents us from doing what we are called to do or living a certain way.

In this I realized that I am afraid of a lot. Like A LOT of stuff. I'm afraid of Scott leaving me or my loved ones dying. I'm also scared that some of the sins I struggle with I enjoy and don't feel convicted about. I'm afraid that my salvation isn't secure and that if I died right now, well who knows.

I realized that all my deepest fears come from not trusting God. Not trusting God that he can work the things that suck in my life for good, not trusting that He created me strong enough to not give in temptation. I don't even trust that he can really save me, or if He even wants to.

All of this not trusting God stuff, I believe comes from not knowing Him. Of course I don't plan on going to lunch with Him anytime soon but I do not know God at all. Knowing God comes from studying his word, meditating with Him and loving Him.

One way we get to know our friends is my listening to them and allowing them to comfort us in times of trouble, but how often do we, I, go to other things, other people, when I need comforted. All too often.

I am currently reading a book entitled The Christian Atheist: Believing in God but living as if He doesn't exist, which I just got at a Christian bookstore in town. So far it is very interesting. I know I have not let God change me the way I need to yet. I want to still be me of course, he made me as I am for a reason, but why am I not letting Him mold me into the very me he created me to be. I continually try to hold on to the Samantha of Christmas past if you will. I do not trust God to make me into someone I can handle, someone I'm OK with. But was the other Samantha someone I was OK with. I was insecure, lost, lonely, I put walls up and I hid behind giving advice to friends instead of dealing with my own issues and hid pain behind humor. These are not horrible traits, but they were not me being real or who God intended me to be.

I do not know 100% what I am so afraid of, but I do know its time to trust God, and that means its time to know Him.

Authentic Christianity

I am currently at this summer long program with my church called LT. We have a ton of different sessions and fun important stuff. I have only been here a little over a week and God is already teaching me a ton. We had a program yesterday called Son-life. It was about what the teaching referred to as the "everyday commandment" referring to evangelism.

OK first everyone calm down! Evangelism is a crazy loaded word with all kinds of preconceptions that people have in their head. This is not the door bell ringing "have you found Jesus yet?" kind of evangelism most people automatically think of. Evangelism can be that of course but that is not what I am talking about. This is about being an evangelist in life. Living a life that should show that you are a Christian and being that all the time. If God is the center of your life, which should be the case if you are a Christian, then this means it won't be hard for God to come up in conversation. If someone ask you how your week has been, God will probably be in the answer somewhere.

A part of this is living what the program refers to as authentic Christianity. Of course to some people this means seeming perfect or always being joyful but that is in fact the opposite. Being an authentic Christian means being honest. Being honest that we are not perfect nor are we happy all the time. Accepting Jesus does not mean your life is magically filled with rainbows and puppies. You also don't magically stop sinning when you become a Christian. Admitting these things is part of being an authentic Christian.

I have also learned that in being an authentic Christian I need to stop thinking I can do what I want. Do I want to smoke weed. Yep, I do. And I have recently. Is this ok? Absolutely not. Just because I think something shouldn't be a sin and wish it wasn't doesn't make it stop being a sin. I have to deal with the fact the God knows better than me and if I am calling myself a Christian I need to walk the talk. I need to flee from sin, not run to it hoping that since I don't want it to be a sin God won't mind if I do it. Thats not really how this game works.

If I am going to call myself a Christian than I need to live for God and not myself. I need to live as he calls me to, not in the way that is easiest for me. I am going to try to start living my life more authentically. Not making excuses for myself and my sin, and not doing what may feel good at the time for me. This is my hope and goal for the summer. I will probably be posting a lot more now. So feel free to follow me on this crazy journey.