Everyone else is talking about it so why the hell not....

So everyone is up in arms about the suicides of many young teens in the LGBT community. This is nothing new. LGBT youth have had a higher rate of suicide since this statistic has been recorded. I am extremely happy that this is finally getting some press. The problem is that people are only looking at the small picture. Bullying is an issue, a large one, that should be addressed. What it is really though is a symptom of a bigger problem.

We live in a country that, everyday, tells LGBT people that they are second class citizens,both implicitly and explicitly. People telling the community that they don't hate us, they are just trying to "protect their children" from things they view as immoral. And this is a nationally supported idea. That it is okay to be a bigot if its to "protect your children" or to practice your religion. There are several things wrong with this. For one, saying you are protecting your children implies that people in the LGBT community are something to be feared, monsters or dangers to society. This is wrong and we need to stop makinng it an acceptable thing to say. It is also incorrect to use God as a cover for your bigotry. Yes the bible does say that homosexuality is a sin. That effects nothing. LGBT people are still citizens of the united states,they can still love,and shockingly enough GOD LOVES THEM. I know its hard to hear that God can love people you consider to be sinners in the same way he loves you (and you never sin right?) but it is the truth.

We, as a nation,MUST stop making it okay to talk about a group of human beings this way. We need to stop having this debate even be necessary. The fact that on 2010 in America we have to debate what should be a basic human right. We need to stop being afriad of what we do not understand. And we definitely need to spread education and awareness to our children, not hate. These bullies were not born hating or being bullies someone taught them that this was okay, and I think as a nation were responsible for that because we tell theses kids everyday its okay to hate,because what else are they seeing from us?

We got to get our shit together kids....lets get this shit done.

I always use to think that Satan was bad of course,but that he just chilled in hell waiting until we died to mess with us. God has wiped out this lie so clearly this summer. The Devil is the ultimate deceiver. He can make us believe things are of God that are not, especially if we are not properly armed with the word of God to battle these lies.

The devil does not take souls for his own glory. Nothing is glorified in eternal separation from God. The devil takes souls because it hurts God. Satan gets a victory every time someone turns their back on Christ. He gets this victory because God is hurt. The devil is everything that is evil. selfish, greedy,and prideful. He feels victory when God is hurt because of his pride. That is why he will be locked in the Abyss in the end of days. He is too prideful to bow down and speak that God is great, powerful, and everlasting Lord.

The devil lies to us in so many ways. Every sin struggle can be traced back to a lie we believe. A lie that we are inadequate even with Christ, that we cannot have true intimacy with God, that when we hear silence after our prayers God has left us. These are all lies from Satan and no where else. They cause all kinds of sin constantly and there are plenty more lies causing plenty more sin.

It is scary that we an believe in such lies. Thankfully we have been given ultimate truth to battle these lies. The word of God is healing. It is Gods direct response to the lies we have been told. The word of God can squash out these lies and fill us with ultimate Truth. The hard part is getting there. When we are in a deep sin struggle and angry at ourselves and God it is hard to pray and read the word. But it is necessary. We may not want to but we need too. We have to want to want God more than we want sin. If we bring this request to him every day he can work on our hearts to make us want him more than we want to sin. I have faith that God can do this in our hearts.

God Sang This To Me Tonight

But don't you ever want more?
'cause my love

[Chorus:]
My love is deeper
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyer
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice?
(My love, my love)
My love is deeper
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyer
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice?

Mmmm, what we had don't need no words
Deeper than anything you ever heard
I ain't reaching baby,
I know I should be your lady
You say you're happy
You say you're great
But you know and I know you really ain't
You need to come be with me
That's the way it's supposed to be

My love is deeper
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyer
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice?
(My love, my love)
My love is deeper
Tighter
Sweeter
Higher
Flyer
Didn't you know this,
Or didn't you notice?

Cause oh,
All I ever do is think about you baby
I hold you in my arms inside my dreams
And I know what I know and what I know is
That no matter where you go
You will always think of me

"The quiet scares me cuz it screams the truth"

So far this summer has been tough. Not just I have to work forty hours a week and am busy tough, but to the soul hard. I am not someone who cries a lot nor am I often depressed but that has been a large part of my current state. I am away from some people that I truly love to my very core. I am also in a place that feels inescapable since I have no car and I can't really run fast. I hate feeling trapped and like I cannot run away even if it is only from myself or God. There are people everywhere and yet I feel alone.

I'm sure that is part of what God is trying to teach me. That I need to be OK if its just me and Him, and I'm not. I am not at a place yet where I can say I am comfortable sitting alone with God. I can talk to Him all day and read His word, but sitting in His silence trying to feel the holy spirit or Him or anything else...NO. I cannot do it. It's just too scary. What if God doesn't show? I mean He must be busy with starving kids or war or something. What if I feel like God has left me. That silence does not hold comfort for me, but deep fear, anxiety and unknowns.

This is not OK. This shows how much I do not trust God. Trust that He is there, even if I can't feel Him right then. I need to trust Him that what He does is Good and Right always even if not by worldly understanding. I need to trust that He is OK with the fact that there are a few things I am PISSED about; truly, deeply wounded by.

But how do you heal when you feel like the one who wounded you in the first place is the healer?

This is what I am going to try and work on this summer. Being in a still quiet place with God and trusting Him there. I have to talk to God for real and listen to Him for real. Even if it means accepting that there are things my worldly view of right and wrong can never grasp, and knowing that God is good and glorified in that.

I doubt this can take place in one summer, in fact it would be true miracle if it did, but my journey is starting here. Please pray for this Journey and ask God to fill me with peace in this place of fear.

Fear

Tonight we had a discussion on Fear. We were charged with revealing to God what we were really truly deep down inside us afraid of. Not just spiders or the dark,but the REAL stuff. The stuff that holds us back from having a true relationship with God. The stuff that prevents us from doing what we are called to do or living a certain way.

In this I realized that I am afraid of a lot. Like A LOT of stuff. I'm afraid of Scott leaving me or my loved ones dying. I'm also scared that some of the sins I struggle with I enjoy and don't feel convicted about. I'm afraid that my salvation isn't secure and that if I died right now, well who knows.

I realized that all my deepest fears come from not trusting God. Not trusting God that he can work the things that suck in my life for good, not trusting that He created me strong enough to not give in temptation. I don't even trust that he can really save me, or if He even wants to.

All of this not trusting God stuff, I believe comes from not knowing Him. Of course I don't plan on going to lunch with Him anytime soon but I do not know God at all. Knowing God comes from studying his word, meditating with Him and loving Him.

One way we get to know our friends is my listening to them and allowing them to comfort us in times of trouble, but how often do we, I, go to other things, other people, when I need comforted. All too often.

I am currently reading a book entitled The Christian Atheist: Believing in God but living as if He doesn't exist, which I just got at a Christian bookstore in town. So far it is very interesting. I know I have not let God change me the way I need to yet. I want to still be me of course, he made me as I am for a reason, but why am I not letting Him mold me into the very me he created me to be. I continually try to hold on to the Samantha of Christmas past if you will. I do not trust God to make me into someone I can handle, someone I'm OK with. But was the other Samantha someone I was OK with. I was insecure, lost, lonely, I put walls up and I hid behind giving advice to friends instead of dealing with my own issues and hid pain behind humor. These are not horrible traits, but they were not me being real or who God intended me to be.

I do not know 100% what I am so afraid of, but I do know its time to trust God, and that means its time to know Him.

Authentic Christianity

I am currently at this summer long program with my church called LT. We have a ton of different sessions and fun important stuff. I have only been here a little over a week and God is already teaching me a ton. We had a program yesterday called Son-life. It was about what the teaching referred to as the "everyday commandment" referring to evangelism.

OK first everyone calm down! Evangelism is a crazy loaded word with all kinds of preconceptions that people have in their head. This is not the door bell ringing "have you found Jesus yet?" kind of evangelism most people automatically think of. Evangelism can be that of course but that is not what I am talking about. This is about being an evangelist in life. Living a life that should show that you are a Christian and being that all the time. If God is the center of your life, which should be the case if you are a Christian, then this means it won't be hard for God to come up in conversation. If someone ask you how your week has been, God will probably be in the answer somewhere.

A part of this is living what the program refers to as authentic Christianity. Of course to some people this means seeming perfect or always being joyful but that is in fact the opposite. Being an authentic Christian means being honest. Being honest that we are not perfect nor are we happy all the time. Accepting Jesus does not mean your life is magically filled with rainbows and puppies. You also don't magically stop sinning when you become a Christian. Admitting these things is part of being an authentic Christian.

I have also learned that in being an authentic Christian I need to stop thinking I can do what I want. Do I want to smoke weed. Yep, I do. And I have recently. Is this ok? Absolutely not. Just because I think something shouldn't be a sin and wish it wasn't doesn't make it stop being a sin. I have to deal with the fact the God knows better than me and if I am calling myself a Christian I need to walk the talk. I need to flee from sin, not run to it hoping that since I don't want it to be a sin God won't mind if I do it. Thats not really how this game works.

If I am going to call myself a Christian than I need to live for God and not myself. I need to live as he calls me to, not in the way that is easiest for me. I am going to try to start living my life more authentically. Not making excuses for myself and my sin, and not doing what may feel good at the time for me. This is my hope and goal for the summer. I will probably be posting a lot more now. So feel free to follow me on this crazy journey.

Have you ever noticed the way that perfect days tend to ruin. The way that even with the sun shining and bright and that perfect amount of breeze to keep you cool it just never seems enough. One thing happens, and then another, and you're left feeling empty and alone, without any real explanation as to why.

Today was a thing of beauty, Good Friday, and good indeed it was. The sky was gorgeous and life was everywhere. I could feel God's joy in my heart and his arms wrapping around me as I thanked him for what he did for us today. Died for us. There is so much beauty and glory for God in that it should only make me happy, yet it always creeps up. Even on glorious days like today, that little voice whispering "You did that to Him you, know. Your dirty so Jesus had to go through this, because you are a bad person." And then I am crushed. Now on one hand this is completely true. I am sinful and full of bad, and because of that Christ had to die so I could be with God. There are no lies in this whisper to myself. It is what it causes me to feel that is the lie. That I am not really saved, because I am way too dirty, too bad.

"Jesus Christ I'm not scared to die, but I'm a little bit scared of what comes after, to I get the gold chariot? Do I float through the ceiling? Do I divide and pull apart? Cuz my light, is too slight, to hold back all my dark." --Brand New

There is no way that I will ever be okay or good. I allow these thoughts to poison this beautiful day. To blind me from what the real truth of this day is. That is that I will never be good enough, alone. Thank God I am not. I an not alone. I am sinful and harmful. But because of today I get to be clean. God can look at me and see Jesus' righteousness. He shields me so God can look past my stain, to my heart; which is His; and be pleased. GOD IS PLEASED BY ME! Even with my sins and my pain and my relentless ability to put things before him in my mind He still loves me and is pleased with me! We must remember this.

Many of us were taught as young Christians to feel guilt. To be shamed of the things we have done and hide from God because we are so unworthy. Really we should be running too Him, for even though we stray and wonder and sin, He waits for us with open arms again. Ready to welcome us home, to where we truly belong, connected with Him.

The one thing the devil uses the most is the loneliness we feel as humans. That is what connects as most as a race, or intense ability to feel loneliness. The devil uses this to create lies in our head. To make us feel we are really alone and that God is not sitting with us, in us, the whole time. It is easy to think God has left us, we are unworthy, we are sinners. But please remember today that even when you feel alone, God is with you. You may not be able to feel him right then, and you may not be able to understand why he would even want to be with you, but He is. Because He is Pleased by you.