Fear

Tonight we had a discussion on Fear. We were charged with revealing to God what we were really truly deep down inside us afraid of. Not just spiders or the dark,but the REAL stuff. The stuff that holds us back from having a true relationship with God. The stuff that prevents us from doing what we are called to do or living a certain way.

In this I realized that I am afraid of a lot. Like A LOT of stuff. I'm afraid of Scott leaving me or my loved ones dying. I'm also scared that some of the sins I struggle with I enjoy and don't feel convicted about. I'm afraid that my salvation isn't secure and that if I died right now, well who knows.

I realized that all my deepest fears come from not trusting God. Not trusting God that he can work the things that suck in my life for good, not trusting that He created me strong enough to not give in temptation. I don't even trust that he can really save me, or if He even wants to.

All of this not trusting God stuff, I believe comes from not knowing Him. Of course I don't plan on going to lunch with Him anytime soon but I do not know God at all. Knowing God comes from studying his word, meditating with Him and loving Him.

One way we get to know our friends is my listening to them and allowing them to comfort us in times of trouble, but how often do we, I, go to other things, other people, when I need comforted. All too often.

I am currently reading a book entitled The Christian Atheist: Believing in God but living as if He doesn't exist, which I just got at a Christian bookstore in town. So far it is very interesting. I know I have not let God change me the way I need to yet. I want to still be me of course, he made me as I am for a reason, but why am I not letting Him mold me into the very me he created me to be. I continually try to hold on to the Samantha of Christmas past if you will. I do not trust God to make me into someone I can handle, someone I'm OK with. But was the other Samantha someone I was OK with. I was insecure, lost, lonely, I put walls up and I hid behind giving advice to friends instead of dealing with my own issues and hid pain behind humor. These are not horrible traits, but they were not me being real or who God intended me to be.

I do not know 100% what I am so afraid of, but I do know its time to trust God, and that means its time to know Him.