"The quiet scares me cuz it screams the truth"

So far this summer has been tough. Not just I have to work forty hours a week and am busy tough, but to the soul hard. I am not someone who cries a lot nor am I often depressed but that has been a large part of my current state. I am away from some people that I truly love to my very core. I am also in a place that feels inescapable since I have no car and I can't really run fast. I hate feeling trapped and like I cannot run away even if it is only from myself or God. There are people everywhere and yet I feel alone.

I'm sure that is part of what God is trying to teach me. That I need to be OK if its just me and Him, and I'm not. I am not at a place yet where I can say I am comfortable sitting alone with God. I can talk to Him all day and read His word, but sitting in His silence trying to feel the holy spirit or Him or anything else...NO. I cannot do it. It's just too scary. What if God doesn't show? I mean He must be busy with starving kids or war or something. What if I feel like God has left me. That silence does not hold comfort for me, but deep fear, anxiety and unknowns.

This is not OK. This shows how much I do not trust God. Trust that He is there, even if I can't feel Him right then. I need to trust Him that what He does is Good and Right always even if not by worldly understanding. I need to trust that He is OK with the fact that there are a few things I am PISSED about; truly, deeply wounded by.

But how do you heal when you feel like the one who wounded you in the first place is the healer?

This is what I am going to try and work on this summer. Being in a still quiet place with God and trusting Him there. I have to talk to God for real and listen to Him for real. Even if it means accepting that there are things my worldly view of right and wrong can never grasp, and knowing that God is good and glorified in that.

I doubt this can take place in one summer, in fact it would be true miracle if it did, but my journey is starting here. Please pray for this Journey and ask God to fill me with peace in this place of fear.